kasper » lifepassedby.com

15Feb08 Goodbye…

I hate getting behind on my posts because so much has happened since the last one. The biggest thing that happened was my Great-Aunt dying. She passed away on February 2nd, and it came as a great shock to the whole family. I mean granted she wasn’t young, but she also hadn’t been sick or anything. My Gran took it very hard as she was the last remaining sister of 4, and my Great-Aunt was her younger sister. She kept saying that she couldn’t believe that she was gone and that it was supposed to have been her that went first. I came to learn that on top of their Grandmother dying, February second was also the same day that my cousins’ mother died of cancer about 10 years ago. That poor family has been through the wringer, I’m telling you! The first son Dylan was born with a birth defect that caused him to not have any thigh bones so basically his knees are around his pelvis, and he only has 3 deformed fingers on each hand. Then they adopted a son (not sure why – maybe they thought they couldn’t have anymore children, I’m really not sure). Then they had a daughter. Ashley fell out of bed at around 4 years of age and was paralyzed from the waist down. She can walk now but not without a cane and her leg is all twisted. Then of course the mother dies young leaving the children when the oldest was only a teenager. I’ve heard the saying that God only gives you what you can handle, but I can’t believe that any one family should have to go through so much.

It was a beautiful service packed into the small chapel. My Great-Uncle actually gave the eulogy. All I can say is that he is one strong man. I couldn’t get up and speak after just losing my wife of nearly 60 years! As it was my cousin mentioned a couple of days before the memorial, that he was going over to teach him how to use the washing machine! I couldn’t imagine the hole in his life now! It makes me sad just thinking about it now. It also makes me more aware of my family and how much I treasure them. I think that happens to a lot of people. That when someone close to them dies they realize just how much their family means to them. It’s sort of haunted me a bit. Especially with my Gran. She is a strong person and I don’t expect her to waste away because of her sister, but what if the last time I saw her really was the last time? You know. You have to make every visit count. And make sure you say what’s in your heart or you could be regretting not doing it when it’s too late.

5 Comments Posted by kasper in General
Tagged family, funeral, Gran, musings

7Feb08 Stuck in the snow

We’ve gotten quite a lot of snow over the last little while. And last night it snowed non-stop till early this morning. Hubby left for work this morning at 04:30 and ended up getting stuck in the street just outside our house and had to wait for the snow plow to come around and dig him out. He ended up getting in at 07:30! That makes for a crazy long morning. I went to my church parenting group this morning and was worried about the trip, but it went without a hitch. I was a little nervous when some yahoo came out of a coffee drive-thru and ended up driving sideways in front of me. Why can’t people drive according to the weather conditions?! When I got to the church the driveway hadn’t been plowed so when I turned into the parking space I felt the car sink in. I thought that I would have problems getting out afterward, but didn’t dwell on it. Luckily a plow was going through the back lot so we all had to move our cars from the side to the back once he was done. I say luckily because I was definitely stuck and needed to be pushed out and if we hadn’t have moved the cars then, I could easily have been the last car in the parking lot after the group was over.

After I got home since baby D had fallen asleep in the car I left him there and decided to do a little shoveling. This would be the first time I’ve shoveled since hubby tells me that he’d rather have me inside with baby D then to leave him unattended. I forgot how much shoveling snow sucks! Wow!

I saw something that made me happy and sad all at the same time. My little guy crawled last night. It was so amazing to see him really doing it, but it just reminded me that he’s getting older and less and less of a baby. He’s been sitting on his haunches lunging forward and backward for a while now, but usually when he goes to move forward he just slides flat out on his tummy. He’s also managed to go from crawling position to sitting twice. I’m sure mostly by fluke but it won’t be long and he’ll have me out of breath chasing after him.

Just before he crawled though he was being all creepy again. He was sitting staring at the ceiling (no lights or anything to look at) and then starting “singing” and waving his arms frantically. This went on for about 5 minutes or so. I’m really trying to convince myself that it’s just baby behaviour, but … Well my Great-Aunt died on Saturday. I don’t think she’d come and visit me, but maybe she did. Hubby’s dad died going on 3 years ago now and I swear he was in our apartment. I remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror with the door open – meaning that I could see all the way down the hall right into our living room and kitchen. I swear I saw something move behind me that definitely wasn’t hubby. And at odd times I’d feel like someone was there and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Okay I gotta stop thinking of this stuff, I’m starting to spook myself!

2 Comments Posted by kasper in General
Tagged baby D, growing up, hubby, snow, strangeness, weather

31Jan08 I see dead people

Something has gotten into baby D since yesterday. He’s just not himself. Who knows, maybe he’s finally getting a tooth. First of all this is generally a happy kid. He really doesn’t cry unless there is a real reason. So yesterday I got him up from his afternoon nap and he was wet right through his sleeper. I changed him and put him on the floor with some soft blocks and started pulling the sheets off his bed. I kept an eye on him and noticed that he kept turning around to look out into the hall. Since he had toys with him and there was no one home except the two of us this seemed strange. I found it a bit creepy actually. I’m not totally sure why. Maybe because hubby has commented a few times that he thinks that the place is haunted and that baby D can see ghosts. I always say that he’s full of crap and I really don’t believe it, but to see my son continue to check the empty hallway gave me a funny feeling. Then when my back was turned he started to cry. My first thought was that he had fallen over, but when I turned around he was still sitting exactly where he was surrounded by the same soft toys. The crying didn’t make any sense to me. I gave him my undivided attention after that and then he was fine for the rest of the day.

Today the strangeness continued. He was fine all morning though he didn’t nap more than 10 minutes. So when we got home from my “Bringing Up Boys” group and a quick visit to my work, we played for a bit. Then according to our usual schedule I gave him his bottle and went to put him down for his afternoon nap. He gave his usual tired cues, but when I put him in his crib he cried and didn’t settle down. Instead of being flat on his belly like he usually is in bed, he was up on all fours. I got him up, cuddled him and rocked him for a bit and as he started to drift off I tried to set him back in his crib. He was not having it and wailed. I still had to eat something as I hadn’t eaten all day and get the laundry out of the dryer from last night, so I put baby D in his exersaucer which is usually a big hit. Nope, not today. Again he cried like crazy. I popped him in the hip carrier I just bought (but will be returning because all his weight is supported by a strap that pulls against my neck) and brought him along as I grabbed a quick bite to eat. He kept cuing that he was tired so after I finished eating once again I took him upstairs to put him to bed, but I got as far as the door to his room and he started to whine. So strange. At this point I gave up and took him into the family room where I cuddled him until he finally fell asleep. Even then he woke up about 4 times crying but did settle down fairly quickly and drifted back off to sleep. I know everyone has their off days and I’m probably reading into his behaviour, but it’s still unnerving.

As mentioned, I went in to work this morning. I know it’s exams right now, so that’s always a perfect time to visit since there are no kids around. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and everything, but I get swamped when I go in and since I just wanted a quick visit no kids was easier. It’s so weird being back there. It’s like another lifetime ago that was my home away from home. So I chatted a bit and people fawned over baby D before going in to see my Principal. That was the main reason for going. I wanted to see what my options were for extending my leave. I have since discovered that my unemployment can definitely not be extended. Great. Even better? Little to no chance of using some of my sick days (I have like 200) to cover from the end of my maternity leave until I return in August like I had hoped. I’m so totally running out of options. I feel like I need to stay home. I REALLY want to be a stay-at-home-mom, but that will probably never be an option. August will be hard enough to leave baby D, but I’m definitely not prepared to do it now with my mental state and lack of daycare. I am able to extend my leave for up to 2 years, but with no pay. I don’t think that will be feasible. Hubby even suggested that he could take the unpaid leave and I go back to work since I make more. The problem with this is that he has a company vehicle to get him to work everyday but we have no car (I borrow my Dad’s when I need to), so I’d have to get a car immediately. I hate thinking about all this stuff it totally stresses me out and makes me crazy!!!